In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
i spent way too long on this
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future