In space, no one can hear…
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.