In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.