@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

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@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@hippieswordfish

[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare

hitler: dare

teen: dare you to invade poland

hitler: omg no way u guys

all the teens: DO IT DO IT

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@shondarhimes

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@TopherKearby

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@IndecisiveJones

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

@Tmoney68

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.