My dogs: Get up and feed us.
Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.
My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
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On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My 4-year-old: My underwear is trying to kill me.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.
I like puppies