[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

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I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.


[party in 1939]
teen: truth or dare

hitler: dare

teen: dare you to invade poland

hitler: omg no way u guys

all the teens: DO IT DO IT


FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”


Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.


If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.


Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.


me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you


I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.