@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

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@SaltyCorpse

My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…

@Number10cat

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

@VanGobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@AimeeHelene1

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

@4handfuls

My kids always seem confident in making decisions until they have to decide which leg to put in their pants first…

@PhilLaysheO

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

@fairycakes

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

@AnOrangeSNES

If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.

I like puppies