In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools