Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.
My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable