In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Just so funny
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply