@envydatropic

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

- @envydatropic

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@solomongeorgio

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

@karanlyons

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

@lawyerthoughts

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

@hurlarious

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

@MichaelTrying

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

@Amusitr0n

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie