[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
j o i m p
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*