[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

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[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?


Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”


If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.


Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*


*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo


My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.