@david8hughes

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

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@joejwest

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

@Mr_Kapowski

Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”

@ObviousOstrich

If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.

@k8ieokay

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

@_elvishpresley_

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

@Parkerlawyer

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

@goodersuk74

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout

@NotthatAdamWest

On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.