*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!