Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My son told my daughter to feed the dogs and she responded “in a minute.” He said if it needed to be done in a minute, he would have asked her in a minute and all of a sudden he was wearing white New Balance shoes and carrying a leafblower.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong