@mommajessiec

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

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@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@ArfMeasures

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

@ThisOneSayz

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

@sweetmomissa

My son told my daughter to feed the dogs and she responded “in a minute.” He said if it needed to be done in a minute, he would have asked her in a minute and all of a sudden he was wearing white New Balance shoes and carrying a leafblower.

@MissHavisham

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

@bazecraze

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

@MarlonBrandNO

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong