In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
next level snooze
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.