In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.