In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
You Might Also Like
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due