[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
In the beginning:
You hang up first
No you hang up first
I already miss you you’ll have to hang up first
You have to hang up first
6 months later:
Goodnight hunny I lov…
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.
Treat me like a semicolon and use me in all the wrong ways.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.