In the beginning:
You hang up first
No you hang up first
No you
I already miss you you’ll have to hang up first
You have to hang up first

6 months later:
Goodnight hunny I lov…

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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw


I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.


My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”


I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.


No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.


Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too


[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food


DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again



If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.