[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
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Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*