Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?
Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
You Might Also Like
I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They’re not quite sure if I’m the district manager or not.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!
Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Fire engines are painted red for camouflage, so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.