In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My favorite type of men is ramen.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed