In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

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I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.


Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.


The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.


Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza


Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers


Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.


*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”