*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”