@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now

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@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@einsteinsexual

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@imshitimsorry

aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?

@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”