“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
the composer
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash