@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now

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@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@deloisivete

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

@VibesBummer

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

@envydatropic

If I ever tried to “cook the books” they’d end up burnt and that’s why I’m not an accountant

@dmc1138

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

@lcwf70

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

@eyepluckeramit

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

@wolfpupy

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.