[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.