@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

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@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@thenatewolf

Detective: someone’s been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?

Me: I don’t have a basement

*sound of foghorn from basement*

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@Marlebean

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

@LostFelicia

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

@gimmefirstborn

my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”

@kidd_kong78

There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.

@roostermustache

Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me

@dugglebutt

What do people who work at The Weather Channel talk about in the elevator?