Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?