Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me