*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
me hooking up with my ex
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]