In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You Might Also Like
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults