In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
wtf is an acronym
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My dad teaching me to drive
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]