@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@YoungManDadJoke

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

@alexmeyerrr

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

@weinerdog4life

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

@GrantTanaka

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.