@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

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@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

@ClichedOut

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

@JediGigi

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

@SirEviscerate

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@upsheezy

“Walk it off” does not apply to everything.

Stupidity, for example.

You’re not walking that shit off unless it’s in to oncoming traffic

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.