In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.


Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.


A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram


If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.


wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t


If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?


Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!


The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.