In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.