In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

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Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.


4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.


me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree


Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”


Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.