@coalslag

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

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@TheTweetOfGod

Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.

@jdforshort

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@realHamOnWry

The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@jonnysun

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.