In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
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they split up moments later
Look at this
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?