In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license