I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine
FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this