In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.

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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.


ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time


TOGETHER: *screams*


Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.


I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it


ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush


Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine


6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.


[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this