Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.
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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.