In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Go hard or stay average
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.