In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

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Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy


Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!


I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister


I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.


My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”


Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”


My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.


FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.


What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…


Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.