@JordanFoisy

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

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@famouscrab

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

@caithuls

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

@mewritesgood

I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

@sammorril

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

@UncleDuke1969

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@neiltyson

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@TeaAndCopy

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.