*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
This is my cat’s medicine.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog