Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”
[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-
Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
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Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
“we don- are u a snake”
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.