@justokpanda

[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1

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@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”

@michaelianblack

Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.

@pharmasean

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

@KeetPotato

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@FredTaming

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

@MissBamantha

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@AimeeHelene1

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.