wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.