In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.