me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
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*puts arm around you*
You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.
*steals your pizza*
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.