@squirrel74wkgn

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

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@i_eat_fruit

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

@kcmoore51

*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

@GaryJanetti

Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.

@SimoneGiertz

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

@TheHatStore

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

@Home_Halfway

A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way

@Hemant_i_am

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.