[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
🤭😂
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO