Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
COME ON KRUSE #fencing