[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Battery falling down a hole
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”