Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.