@Love_bug1016

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

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@bonesher

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

@GinRumMe

(Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@rachelle_mandik

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@RickAaron

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@Sickayduh

Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?

@SortaBad

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows