In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.


(Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?


“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”


i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it


Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.


Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.


I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.


just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete


Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?


“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows