In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.