In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.