Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I finally found a reason to live again.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?