@prodigalsam

In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.

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@MatCro

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

@QueefSandwich

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@kimtopher22

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

@VolatileVani

My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.

@poizngrl

I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family

@BeCoco77

True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no.
If you’re reading this, I lied.

@briangaar

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners