In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Somewhere in an alternate universe
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about