In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Two types of dogs.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?