BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
For cardio I live beyond my means.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.