In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me