My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
first you must answer his riddles
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
This raises questions
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.