In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.