Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@pixelatedboat

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@cornax

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@Jonny_Dodds

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@ibid78

WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon

@KeetPotato

Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.

@Beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.