Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.
WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon
Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.