@Writepop

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

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@TheWeirdWorld

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

@zachreinert03

Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich

@SteveKoehler22

Fiber Monday is a great idea…
but is once a year often enough ?

Oh….it’s Cyber Monday ?

Never mind.

@lincnotfound

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@mastrap84

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

@ThisOneSayz

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@knot_eye

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.