
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.
1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.
2019:
WAITER: can i take your order?
HER: *looks at lobster tank* i’ll take that one
ME: *looks out window* i’ll take that pigeon
Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.