In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now