In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.