In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Not today, today.
Not today.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
mood
Siri: Retweet me.